12 Hours

Happy Thanksgiving is a relative term this year.
Last Tuesday morning, November 16th, my dad passed away very suddenly with only 12 hours of illness preceeding his death. I wrote out the whole story in a blog draft which was very therapeutic for me but in the end it doesn't really matter.
The fact is he isn't here any more.
The fact is I think about it every minute of every day.
The fact is no one really knows or understands what I'm going through.

That's not to try and bring out sympathy for me it's just the facts. My life changed forever on Monday evening/Tuesday night. We took our annual family Christmas pictures on Monday morning and looking at those pictures today I think to myself "that girl doesn't know what's about to hit her....that her life is going to change in 12 hours"

The memorial service was on Monday, the 22nd, and by the grace of God my mom and I were able to stand on our own two feet and deliver eulogies. Only 3 days before I was convinced I would collapse in a pile of mush and not make it through but the prayers of so many friends and family praying 2 Corinthians 12:9 over me could not go unanswered:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I was certainly weak that day on my own, but Grace carried me. And to see the Chapel full all the way to the back row to honor my dad....that was truly overwhelming and made me gasp a little when I stood at the podium and saw how many people were there.

I really can't begin to tell you about so many things even since that day have to come together that aren't coincedences. I truly believe God is directing my life and my mom's life to bring glory to Him. I'm not in despair because I do belive I will see my dad again in Heaven. However, it doesn't erase the fact that I am sad, annoyed, mad that life continues without him. That I won't get to see and touch his physical body anymore, that he can't watch my kids grow up, that I can't talk to him when I want. That part isn't fair.....but I do believe with all my heart that God is sovereign and God is good.

I pulled out my Thanksgiving paper napkins I bought at Hobby Lobby about 2 weeks ago (way before all this happened). The verse printed on them? "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever" - Psalm 107:1. Little did I know when I bought those napkins that I would NEED that verse today, that I would keep looking at dumb little napkins throughout the day to remind myself that my Heavenly Father loves me even though my earthly father wasn't here today to tell me.

So....even though I have no idea what is going on here and most of the time I want to burst into tears......that's what I'm thankful for this year....God's sovereignty and His goodness....that's all I got.